Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
You Might Also Like
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Watson was Holmes schooled
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.