beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them