You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The asteroid..
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!