Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
How your email finds me
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith