Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Human are so complicated
they should invent a rest for the wicked
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.