“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
when nothing goes right… go left
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.