wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.