Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.