*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Breaking news:
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.