Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow