My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
President The Rock Obama
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.