There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
sugar glider wrangler
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?