“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity