Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Oops I deleted….
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.