My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Is your wife single?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
cry laughing at this shit
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.