Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.