I’m sorry…what?
You Might Also Like
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”