i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
no such thing as a dumb question
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again