[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You Might Also Like
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Oh the world we live in…
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Duck typos.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.