If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
A double negative is a big no-no.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Huge, if true.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white