Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’m so full I could puke a horse
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.