If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.