One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.