If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Every work meeting this week
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it