Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow