Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
the prophecy has been fulfilled
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
not to brag, but mine was free
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!