I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect