[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Owl Sanctuary
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary