The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”