what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What a website
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)