Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
secret recipe