paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Dolls on drugs
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom