Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.