Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit