The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*