[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
No regrets in 2018
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.