*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too