I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
People buying plungers never look happy.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
What the dentist sees
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?