Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.