When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.