My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”