Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Whoa 😂
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves