GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel