Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I feel attacked.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
can’t bark with your mouth full
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey