Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.