“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.