“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.