ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
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I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.