“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
how was your vacation
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own