I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT